Tag Archives: Teaching

Starting The Process

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Since my last post I have contemplated whether my confession was appropriate, something I really wanted to delve into. Over the course of the past couple of weeks I’ve really talked myself out of telling the story I wanted to delve into on a daily basis. But, that doggone Dr. Phil show kept encouraging me. You know the ones that come on OWN that are repeats that maybe you’ve seen, maybe you haven’t. It’s like all week he’s had mother’s on there who feel guilty about their own turmoil, so they’ve reached out to him for help. Made me see, maybe what I’m writing needs to be said, especially since now I’m in the healing process, somewhere I couldn’t conceive of myself being at my lowest points.

Most days my depression was something I was living in denial with, not realizing how it was showing on the outside. Going days without bathing or brushing my teeth, or, at times, bothering to change my clothes. Even now, though I’m tempted some days with just pure laziness, it is a conscious effort to not drift into one of these stretches. I remind myself that these things make me motivated, keep me going, or, in some cases relax me and sustain my confidence.

Working from home 16 hours a day was affecting the purpose for being a stay at home mom. It was giving me more stress and making me sadder because I dreamed of balancing work with taking my baby to the library for early reading, and to the park to meet moms and other kids. Not using any time off to simply wash dishes and clothes and clean. As a matter of fact, the only thing I managed to do that I’d always wanted to do as a mom, was make fresh baby food…at least breakfast fruits.

I was getting sadder by the day, especially since all of the time spent working was necessary because, although I wasn’t paying the extra expenses of working outside of the home (parking, gas, etc.), working these long hours was still the only way to make ends meet. But who would hire someone who’d been fired for being late, especially when they had a baby and were pregnant again.

The only thing I looked forward to on a daily basis were the positive videos I was getting form a blog I’d begun to follow, Queen Natural Beauty. It was a chance meeting that led me to follow her blog in the first place. I was out viewing houses in new communities, something to boost my mood after being fired, and I meet this young lady who asks me to take a photo for her natural hair blog. Normally I would’ve said no, and I believe I attempted to, but a pinch said just let her and it led me to following not just her blog, but her motivations she began sharing to become a better me.

The first video she shared, which I’m sharing here is something perhaps many of you have seen. I’d seen it on Oprah before she posted, but, because of where I was in my life when it aired it didn’t have nearly the same affect on me as it had the day she shared it on her blog. The Secret began opening me up to my journey of healing and so I’m sharing. Even if you’ve watched it before, you may find a hidden gem if you watch it again.

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I Have A Confession To Make

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It has been months since I’ve written on this blog, and with good reason. Initially, when I started it, I was seeking a voice, AND, I wanted it to be open, honest, raw. But, as I started writing, I began holding back, not expressing where I saw the blog I wanted going for fear of being negative or judged. So I too some time away to “do the work” as Iyanla Vinzant would say, and come back with a clear acceptance of what I wanted to blog about. After all, I named it MisFunktional Mami for a reason.

Motherhood didn’t enter my life with the type of bang I expected, though it was explosive. I had an emergency C-Section after nine months of planning a natural birth, and spent ever moment of the three months I was on maternity leave weeping because of it, especially since I kept telling the story over and over again. I remember being so inconsolable at times when telling the story that my tears would turn to anger at people, especially women, for not understanding. I figured once I returned to work and a sense of normalcy, I would begin to feel like myself again. But, since I’m no Shakira, and my normality wasn’t exactly the great dream and joy I always wanted to live, but added stress, my since of normalcy was anything but relief.

I was working part-time and had changed my schedule from five hours a day, five days a week, to eight hours a day, three days a week, and those three days were killing me. Up 24 hours a lot of those days, after a month of being back, I was fired. And, though I’d found another job working from home, and my initial reaction was one of relief, I ended up spiraling down into a deep depression, all the while searching for more work from home opportunities. And, oddly, continuing to get this message that changing my thinking could, perhaps, change my life, change this downward direction it was taking. But, it would take me a while to get the the point of really understanding what that meant, why it was so important, and lead me back to blogging about it today.

So, I’m going to chop my story up into entries, hopefully you’ll follow along and, if you’re experiencing the depth of depression that I have, as a mom or otherwise, or even if you feel yourself on that journey and you haven’t reached the bottom, this will help you stop yourself and shift your life back toward a higher, more upward direction.

 

It’s A New Monday!!

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All day yesterday, I was excited about today. Today is finally the day I’m making some changes in my life. I didn’t want to wait until Monday, since the decision stems from a last Thursday inspiration. But, Friday, when I tried, my patience wouldn’t let me. So I figured if I took the weekend and meditated on exactly what I’m doing, then Monday I would either buckle, or be so excited I’d be bursting to do it. And, I was right, normally I buckle, but today, I am excited about what the future will bring. I am stepping on the toes of fear and into my new destiny.

The way I’m talking about this you’d think it was some HUGE deal and not something I’m sure a lot of people do everyday. Especially mothers. Today I have decided to get my kids a membership to The Zoo and to The McWane Science Center. Yearly memberships. Meaning everyday for the next year, whenever we want to we can visit these places. Why is this a big deal you ask.

Well, becoming a mother has been a great transition for me. Wasn’t really sure what type of mother I would be, though I knew I wanted to be one who stayed at home for the early part of my children’s childhood. I was thrust into it after being fired from, probably the best part-time job anyone could have. Doing classified ads at the paper. And in that moment I went from confident to worrying so much about money, that for the past three years (my oldest just turned three on Nov. 2), I have stifled my mothering.

And so, last Thursday, as we watched Leap Frog thanks to Netflix, I decided, you know what, I must take action to be more active in their lives. Him along with my 17 month old. Forget the pressure of everyone around me telling me I need a job and need to send them to school. It IS my job to teach them everything I want them to know before they go into someone else’s classroom. And so we went out and got flashcards and those books you trace letters, numbers and shapes in from the dollar store. But last Friday, when we started with the flashcards, I didn’t know what I was doing and became so frustrated with him being bored (as I was to be honest), that I just quit. Then, the idea came. The zoo, The McWane Center and a lot of other places in our community are centers for learning, to be utilized by parents, and it also allows kids to interact with each other. How lucky if your mother took you pretty much everyday. Then maybe you would be more interested in doing flashcards, or perhaps tired at the end of the day, enough to be ready to lay down and go to bed. And boom, the decision was pretty much made, but I let the bank close on me before it was concrete. But it sat with me all over the weekend. Made me anxious and scared because it also opened up the idea that I could step back into something else I love and use it as a learning tool. Gardening.

Gardening is something I started before I had kids. I tried to do a little porch garden in pots for them this year and, well, it did inspire one thing in them. To eat leaves. Edible leaves of course, lettuce, kale, mustards. And that got me thinking, “if THIS makes you excited, because you can eat a leafy green you picked, instead of grass, perhaps learning your colors could be just as fun if you’re going to bite into all of them.” And so, now on this blog, I’ve decided to journal my children’s new learning adventures, and, on another blog I created, that has been dormant, CadieBeasGarden.wordpress.com, journal our adventures in gardening and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

I am a functioning Misfunktional Mami, and boy am I excited about the new ride we are about to take.