Since my last post I have contemplated whether my confession was appropriate, something I really wanted to delve into. Over the course of the past couple of weeks I’ve really talked myself out of telling the story I wanted to delve into on a daily basis. But, that doggone Dr. Phil show kept encouraging me. You know the ones that come on OWN that are repeats that maybe you’ve seen, maybe you haven’t. It’s like all week he’s had mother’s on there who feel guilty about their own turmoil, so they’ve reached out to him for help. Made me see, maybe what I’m writing needs to be said, especially since now I’m in the healing process, somewhere I couldn’t conceive of myself being at my lowest points.
Most days my depression was something I was living in denial with, not realizing how it was showing on the outside. Going days without bathing or brushing my teeth, or, at times, bothering to change my clothes. Even now, though I’m tempted some days with just pure laziness, it is a conscious effort to not drift into one of these stretches. I remind myself that these things make me motivated, keep me going, or, in some cases relax me and sustain my confidence.
Working from home 16 hours a day was affecting the purpose for being a stay at home mom. It was giving me more stress and making me sadder because I dreamed of balancing work with taking my baby to the library for early reading, and to the park to meet moms and other kids. Not using any time off to simply wash dishes and clothes and clean. As a matter of fact, the only thing I managed to do that I’d always wanted to do as a mom, was make fresh baby food…at least breakfast fruits.
I was getting sadder by the day, especially since all of the time spent working was necessary because, although I wasn’t paying the extra expenses of working outside of the home (parking, gas, etc.), working these long hours was still the only way to make ends meet. But who would hire someone who’d been fired for being late, especially when they had a baby and were pregnant again.
The only thing I looked forward to on a daily basis were the positive videos I was getting form a blog I’d begun to follow, Queen Natural Beauty. It was a chance meeting that led me to follow her blog in the first place. I was out viewing houses in new communities, something to boost my mood after being fired, and I meet this young lady who asks me to take a photo for her natural hair blog. Normally I would’ve said no, and I believe I attempted to, but a pinch said just let her and it led me to following not just her blog, but her motivations she began sharing to become a better me.
The first video she shared, which I’m sharing here is something perhaps many of you have seen. I’d seen it on Oprah before she posted, but, because of where I was in my life when it aired it didn’t have nearly the same affect on me as it had the day she shared it on her blog. The Secret began opening me up to my journey of healing and so I’m sharing. Even if you’ve watched it before, you may find a hidden gem if you watch it again.