It has been months since I’ve written on this blog, and with good reason. Initially, when I started it, I was seeking a voice, AND, I wanted it to be open, honest, raw. But, as I started writing, I began holding back, not expressing where I saw the blog I wanted going for fear of being negative or judged. So I too some time away to “do the work” as Iyanla Vinzant would say, and come back with a clear acceptance of what I wanted to blog about. After all, I named it MisFunktional Mami for a reason.
Motherhood didn’t enter my life with the type of bang I expected, though it was explosive. I had an emergency C-Section after nine months of planning a natural birth, and spent ever moment of the three months I was on maternity leave weeping because of it, especially since I kept telling the story over and over again. I remember being so inconsolable at times when telling the story that my tears would turn to anger at people, especially women, for not understanding. I figured once I returned to work and a sense of normalcy, I would begin to feel like myself again. But, since I’m no Shakira, and my normality wasn’t exactly the great dream and joy I always wanted to live, but added stress, my since of normalcy was anything but relief.
I was working part-time and had changed my schedule from five hours a day, five days a week, to eight hours a day, three days a week, and those three days were killing me. Up 24 hours a lot of those days, after a month of being back, I was fired. And, though I’d found another job working from home, and my initial reaction was one of relief, I ended up spiraling down into a deep depression, all the while searching for more work from home opportunities. And, oddly, continuing to get this message that changing my thinking could, perhaps, change my life, change this downward direction it was taking. But, it would take me a while to get the the point of really understanding what that meant, why it was so important, and lead me back to blogging about it today.
So, I’m going to chop my story up into entries, hopefully you’ll follow along and, if you’re experiencing the depth of depression that I have, as a mom or otherwise, or even if you feel yourself on that journey and you haven’t reached the bottom, this will help you stop yourself and shift your life back toward a higher, more upward direction.