Monthly Archives: June 2013

Starting The Process

Standard

Since my last post I have contemplated whether my confession was appropriate, something I really wanted to delve into. Over the course of the past couple of weeks I’ve really talked myself out of telling the story I wanted to delve into on a daily basis. But, that doggone Dr. Phil show kept encouraging me. You know the ones that come on OWN that are repeats that maybe you’ve seen, maybe you haven’t. It’s like all week he’s had mother’s on there who feel guilty about their own turmoil, so they’ve reached out to him for help. Made me see, maybe what I’m writing needs to be said, especially since now I’m in the healing process, somewhere I couldn’t conceive of myself being at my lowest points.

Most days my depression was something I was living in denial with, not realizing how it was showing on the outside. Going days without bathing or brushing my teeth, or, at times, bothering to change my clothes. Even now, though I’m tempted some days with just pure laziness, it is a conscious effort to not drift into one of these stretches. I remind myself that these things make me motivated, keep me going, or, in some cases relax me and sustain my confidence.

Working from home 16 hours a day was affecting the purpose for being a stay at home mom. It was giving me more stress and making me sadder because I dreamed of balancing work with taking my baby to the library for early reading, and to the park to meet moms and other kids. Not using any time off to simply wash dishes and clothes and clean. As a matter of fact, the only thing I managed to do that I’d always wanted to do as a mom, was make fresh baby food…at least breakfast fruits.

I was getting sadder by the day, especially since all of the time spent working was necessary because, although I wasn’t paying the extra expenses of working outside of the home (parking, gas, etc.), working these long hours was still the only way to make ends meet. But who would hire someone who’d been fired for being late, especially when they had a baby and were pregnant again.

The only thing I looked forward to on a daily basis were the positive videos I was getting form a blog I’d begun to follow, Queen Natural Beauty. It was a chance meeting that led me to follow her blog in the first place. I was out viewing houses in new communities, something to boost my mood after being fired, and I meet this young lady who asks me to take a photo for her natural hair blog. Normally I would’ve said no, and I believe I attempted to, but a pinch said just let her and it led me to following not just her blog, but her motivations she began sharing to become a better me.

The first video she shared, which I’m sharing here is something perhaps many of you have seen. I’d seen it on Oprah before she posted, but, because of where I was in my life when it aired it didn’t have nearly the same affect on me as it had the day she shared it on her blog. The Secret began opening me up to my journey of healing and so I’m sharing. Even if you’ve watched it before, you may find a hidden gem if you watch it again.

I Have A Confession To Make

Standard

It has been months since I’ve written on this blog, and with good reason. Initially, when I started it, I was seeking a voice, AND, I wanted it to be open, honest, raw. But, as I started writing, I began holding back, not expressing where I saw the blog I wanted going for fear of being negative or judged. So I too some time away to “do the work” as Iyanla Vinzant would say, and come back with a clear acceptance of what I wanted to blog about. After all, I named it MisFunktional Mami for a reason.

Motherhood didn’t enter my life with the type of bang I expected, though it was explosive. I had an emergency C-Section after nine months of planning a natural birth, and spent ever moment of the three months I was on maternity leave weeping because of it, especially since I kept telling the story over and over again. I remember being so inconsolable at times when telling the story that my tears would turn to anger at people, especially women, for not understanding. I figured once I returned to work and a sense of normalcy, I would begin to feel like myself again. But, since I’m no Shakira, and my normality wasn’t exactly the great dream and joy I always wanted to live, but added stress, my since of normalcy was anything but relief.

I was working part-time and had changed my schedule from five hours a day, five days a week, to eight hours a day, three days a week, and those three days were killing me. Up 24 hours a lot of those days, after a month of being back, I was fired. And, though I’d found another job working from home, and my initial reaction was one of relief, I ended up spiraling down into a deep depression, all the while searching for more work from home opportunities. And, oddly, continuing to get this message that changing my thinking could, perhaps, change my life, change this downward direction it was taking. But, it would take me a while to get the the point of really understanding what that meant, why it was so important, and lead me back to blogging about it today.

So, I’m going to chop my story up into entries, hopefully you’ll follow along and, if you’re experiencing the depth of depression that I have, as a mom or otherwise, or even if you feel yourself on that journey and you haven’t reached the bottom, this will help you stop yourself and shift your life back toward a higher, more upward direction.